As the phone rings, I’m really nervous about Angela’s suggestion. Will it work? Will just giving my ex the management office’s number suffice? Will she still really call the cops?
She picks up. “Hello?”
“Ok,” I say, “Here’s the address.”
I give it to her.
“Thank you,” she says. “Why was that so hard?”
“You made this hard for no apparent reason. Goodbye.”
I hang up. And just like that the storm is over. Angela saved the day. The clouds are parting and the sun is beginning to shine.
Now I’d like you to take note, my precious readers and listeners, that I just spent almost five chapters on a stressful event that- in my opinion- should have never happened. Five chapters! All over control and unnecessary phone calls.
But the emphasis is really to convey to you how emotional and traumatic even the smallest events can be during a divorce. Little vengeful ways can lead to big ordeals. And those vengeful ways can start for many different reasons.
For example, I’m going to be real honest here. At this point in the story, I am behind in child support. Very behind. But this was my choice.
You see, in the beginning of the separation and divorce, I was seeing my kids every day after school. I would meet them at the bus and we would hang out until their mom got home. I was fortunate to have a flexible job that didn’t pay well but allowed me to see my kids at 3 pm daily. That flexibility was very important to me. It still is.
Then every other weekend I would have them.
But abruptly, that routine changed. I’m not sure what affected my ex, but she made some major changes to our routine “with no regard for human life”. More specifically, her kids lives. She decided to eliminate our after school time. Her reason was that I was late a couple times. And admittedly, I was. But that was a great excuse for her to rip that privilege away from me. She asked a neighborhood family to keep the kids after school instead, and now I had to pay them to do so.
When my son was little, he was in a pre-school that met Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I asked my ex if I could keep him Tuesdays and Thursdays. Nope. She said no and enrolled him into daycare on those days. And I had to pay half of that cost too- in addition to child support. This was a cost that didn’t ever have to happen. My son could have been with me those two days. But he wasn’t. And I had to pay for him to be somewhere else.
This terrible trend continued when I would try to get additional time with my kids. I would ask to see them on holidays. Nope. (After the divorce, I have never spent a Christmas with my kids.) I would ask for a special day with them and the response always was:
“No. It’s not your weekend. That is the only court-ordered time you are allowed.”
I wish I was making this up. Those words would make me so angry: “ It’s not your weekend.” But here is what made me lose my mind. My ex would ask me to watch the kids because she had to go out of town for work or her and her boyfriend had plans on her weekend. Of course I would take them but then I NEVER got to choose my special, non- court appointed time with my children?? So then I said to myself: “Self, why are you paying child support when you don’t get to see when your kids when you want to? You are going to give your ex money to completely control when you get to see them? Is that fair?”
So I stopped paying. I was just angry. Now those payments are through Friend of the Court, so they don’t disappear. They add up actually. They can get high enough to get in some trouble that I will share with you in later chapters. But I didn’t know what else to do. I’m already out of my kids’ daily lives and now she wants to control and reduce my little precious time even more? But then ask me for a favor when she needs one? Sorry. That doesn’t work for me. You want to play games and use my kids as pawns to hurt me? Then I’m going to hurt your purse. It’s going to be a little lighter because my monthly payments won’t be in there.
So that was my decision. Was it a dumb decision? Maybe. But I don’t regret it. I don’t regret the MANY court dates and going to jail(I’ll tell you all about that too). I was a frustrated, pissed off man at that time. But if you are a spouse who has to pay child support, don’t follow my lead. I don’t recommend not paying unless you can handle the consequences. Especially if you have an ex like I do.
Also admittedly, income was really tight during those first years. It’s no secret that many men struggle financially after divorce. Through all the emotional turmoil and mental anguish, the bills don’t stop. And now we have a new bill: child support. And that doesn’t include surprise daycare, dance, football, and tae kwon do lessons, and-if you found a new family- we have to make sure they are taken care of as well. It can all be overwhelming. But all men have to decide to put their big boy underoos on and figure out how to take care of it all. It might take us a while. We may need some help and support. Maybe even a loan along the way. But we just gotta get it done.
So back to the story. I just wanted to give you some background as to possibly why my ex caused such a ruckus. She was mad. I invited my kids to go with us and rent a nice new condo in the Poconos. I’ve never had them for a week straight. They were so excited. I believe their excitement prevented their mother from saying no. But she wasn’t happy that I was behind in child support and taking a fairly big trip. She wasn’t happy at all. I guess if I was in her shoes, I would be upset too . But I certainly wouldn’t threaten to call the cops. That I know for sure.
But, thank goodness the cops didn’t come. And we are on the road, with luggage on the top with blue tarps flapping in the wind. I finally figured out how to get my kids when it’s not my “court-ordered time.” Here we come Pennsylvania.
We had no idea how this trip will change our lives forever.