So here we are in ”divorce court” both approaching the bench to the judge. I saw her on the other side of the courtroom when I walked in, so I decided to sit on the other side. I mentioned last chapter I saw her previously in the court halls when she said “I hope they incarcerate you”, upon which I bit my tongue and went to the bathroom. But now we are walking to the same spot that all those other divorced couples stood.
The next thing I know we are side by side- regardless of how far apart from her I wanted to be. I look over at her. She is angry. Almost shaking she is so angry.
“Mr. Porter,” the judge begins to speak. ”Our records indicate that you are $1100 behind in child support. Is this true or have you paid anything recently?”
”It is true, your honor,” I say. ”I have been struggling to find the right job and have been working a couple part-time jobs right now.”
“Are you looking for a full time job, Mr. Porter?”
“Yes I am.”
”Well the court has no record of any interviews or applications on your behalf…”
”I’m sorry?”
”If you are unemployed or between jobs, you are required to inform the court of all of your interviews and applications to let us know you are actively pursuing employment.”
”I’m sorry, your honor. I wasn’t aware I was—“. The judge cuts me off.
”You should have received emails and letters regarding this matter, Mr. Porter. Ms. Porter: Do you have anything to say?”
Before I tell you what she had to say, I need to say how difficult it is to write (and read to you) these court proceedings. Often we as human beings tend to block out negative, detrimental moments in our lives. We either forget about it or the actual events become very cloudly and vague….almost as if sub-consciously we just want to delete it from our life history and memory. So to recall this day is very hard. It’s hard because I want to delete it from my life. But I can’t. You see, I almost forgot about it because it was so many years ago, but now I have to write and talk about it. All those negative memories and emotions rise up again. All that anger, and fear, and sweaty palms just come out of nowhere… and make everything hard again. It’s just very hard to talk about. But I feel the need to share all this because many men go through these hard days and much worse. None of us like to talk about it and we certainly don’t want to fellowship and maybe help others going through it. Why? Because it’s HARD.
But see that is the problem: we don’t talk about it. It’s hard for men to talk in general- especially about divorce and the pain and mental duress we go through. Most of us just want to keep it bottled up and just try and continue on through life. Some of us can continue and make it out better on the other side. But many, many fathers and men struggle. And then we find refuge in alcohol or drugs or behaviors that are not good. Some contemplate suicide and there are those few who unfortunately go through with it.
We have to talk about it more, men. Either with a counselor or a group or a friend or maybe just reading this story and chatting with me, but we need to get it out. I was shocked when I went to my first mens’ group how many men were really struggling. I thought I was in bad shape! But I was also overwhelmed by how comforting it was to share my story with them and hear theirs. I was no longer alone. And I had support (albeit from strangers) that I had never had before.
I could go on and on about the importance of talking about divorce and its aftermath (and I probably will again), but let me bring you back to Divorce Court and the case of Porter vs. Porter. So in the next chapter you will find out my ex’s response and the outcome of this hard (expletives) day.